As I'm writing this, I sit at the edge of my bed alone in my room, wondering what I have just been through this past week. Well, the highlight of last week was, my SBMPTN test.
It’s impossible to understand what’s in a person’s mind one hundred percent. If they said “I understand how you feel and I know what you’re thinking right now.” they are probably right for about fifty percent or less. That’s why the intention of saying those words in the first place is to give comfort, so you’ll not feel alone, but, the truth is, no one will understand your whole feelings.
That's what most perfectionist people feel.
I am self-claimed myself as a so-called “perfectionist”, I'll arrange my plan for years ahead but find it difficult to start something right in front of me. People called me a lazy person just because I procrastinated on my work.
What they didn't pay attention to is in my mind. My mind — or perhaps some perfectionist people out there, is such a huge mess. We’re full of anxiety and self-hate or maybe other worse things that I couldn't mention one by one. Worrying about little details and all those backing plans and scenarios that we made because of overthinking, or getting scared if we screw up our plans, and many more.
I tend to be scared about how my plans will work. I’m afraid of things that are not enough. I‘m also frightened if I make a fatal mistake that will put me in miserable circumstances. That’s why at some point, I hesitate to start my work as soon as possible. I need to make sure that everything will be alright, but the truth is, that just only feed my egos. I’m drowning in my thoughts and getting overwhelmed with it.
My SBMPTN test is one of many events that succeed to make my “perfectionist” side get distressed really bad. I wasn’t in a great state of mind and all I did was think about “Will I make it? Am I going to pass the test so I can enroll good university? Do I get a great score later and make my parents proud?”
So many things in my head so I couldn’t identify which are my actual plans and which are my anxious feelings. I got to a level where I realized it was toxic, it was not healthy at all. I felt so much self-hatred and press that ate me up from the inside. I was scared I'll become a burden to everyone and even myself.
I worried that everything I dreamed of won’t come true.
Until I found Spanish old-term words that are usually used for a motivational type of thing.
“Qué será, será.” Which means, “Whatever will be, will be.”
This may look like a “desperate saying” to cheer you up while you’re very hopeless in an unchangeable situation. Yet, if you look at the other side, these words give you hope.
What hope?
Well, perhaps when you’re feeling that everything won’t work well or you’re not doing enough, and when you’re so desperate because you can’t achieve what you want. This thing gives you hope that maybe — all your unpleasant impressions about your future — will happen as the opposite.
The future is not ours to see, indeed. We can plan all the great things in our heads and imagine what we will face in the future, but the rest is still a mystery. No one ever knows. The only thing we can do is do our best.
But what if it’s not a hope? Let’s say we’re stuck and you feel this phrase rather than gives you hope, it feels more like “cheer up” words, and the worse things you can imagine happened?
First of all, I know everyone worked so hard for their own good, but the truth is whatever the result you got is beyond your capabilities. Even if you knew that you were not missed any little details on your plan or when you forced everything to work as you expected, at the end of the day, the result is not under your control anymore.
You just did your best to make it great, but qué será, será. Whatever will be, will be. You rather see it as a hope or desperation phrase, it’s up to you. One thing matters, things won’t go always as you expected and it’s not your fault. That is just how it works.
